 It
should be a festive time for all, and it can be with
some careful thought and planning, says psychologistand
counsellor Ben Bruce.
Amid the exciting buzz of the month of December, the
lurid glamour or festivities, time off work and summer
warmth at last, lurks a far more ominous scene. Kids
can go wild with hyperactivity and parents can begin
to struggle with “yet another expense” during
an expensive time. As credit card companies rub their
hands with glee and scattered relatives compete for
your limited time, people all over the world can struggle
with the many demands of Christmas. Just like New Year,
the holiday presents a change point for us. Lots of
stuff that has remained unsaid can rear its ugly head,
bringing with it chaotic moments. Mixed with materialistic
madness and family of origin reminders, a rather tenuous
situation can be created. How do we deal with these
boundary blurring stressors so that we can fully enjoy
the holiday?
Boundary blurring
The thin line separating the self from others becomes
blurred when we fail to see where their “stuff”
ends and ours begins. If we fail to take responsibility
for the way we think, feel and act we become disempowered.
The simple solution is to identify and be responsible
for how you are feeling and choose to accept it - or
change it. Allow yourself to be empathic and supportive
toward others without feeling responsible for them.
Materialistic madness
People will say things like “It’s not the
gift but the thought that counts”. What a lovely
sentiment, but who really believes it? Many parents
feel the need to spend hundreds of dollars or more on
each child and can suffer financially. And it's made
worse if they’re competing with a separated parent.
This insecurity can foster a sense of shame against
the backdrop of advertising messages about how much
we ought to be giving, and how much we ought to receive.
The current age encourages us to feel that we never
have enough. If we understand this we can transcend
it. The truth is gifts signify love. The greatest gift
you can ever truly give is that of your heart - your
compassion, your love, your time and attention.
To put this in perspective, I remember my grandmother
telling me about her Christmases as a child in the cold
winters of England. She raved about the fresh fruit
they would find in their stockings and reflected gratefully
on this.
While gratitude is no longer one of our greatest talents,
I loathe flogging the dead horse of nostalgia, the one
that goes “Wasn’t it better when...”
It leads us to ignore all the wonderfully positive changes
we have made. Now men get to cook and do dishes - and
who on earth would resent this particular change?
Relationship Resilience
This brings me to another survival aspect of Christmas
time - the strength of our relationships. Lots of people
fall in love. Years or even months later they may forget
why. We all change independently and can leave togetherness
by the wayside, especially if we’re busy doing
separate things all the time. A resilient couple will
allow themselves time to continually rebond. We need
to communicate how we are travelling, especially our
deeper feelings and needs. If communication skills are
not a strong point, high pressure situations like Christmas
can bring tensions to a head. This is especially the
case if we live away from our families of origin, and
return to them at Christmas.
Family of origin reminders
If you have a wonderfully adjusted and peaceful extended
family, congratulations! At Christmas, you have an opportunity
to enjoy time together. For others, huge expectations
are placed upon them. There are competing demands with
conflicting loyalties, especially within blended families
- where couples have separated and repartnered.
Families are a tree with roots that go deep. Even if
we become a high reaching branch with leaves of a different
colour, we are still connected to the tree. When people
consider their unspoken grievances and resentments,
certain sensitivities can arise. Some families are abusive,
with current or past abuse from overbearing personalities.
Even putdowns and discouragements create uneasiness.
Parents and family members have a way of getting straight
inside our hearts and heads with a single comment or
gesture. Family was our first template of relationships
- they taught us about our identity and self esteem
based on the way they interacted with us. We learned
how to have relationships by observing the way our parents
and others interacted when we were kids.
Generally, if we have been treated roughly or with neglect
as children (and even as we grow older) we tend to suffer
from deflated self esteem. No matter how far away you
move, regardless of your job profile, bank account or
physique, one visit back to the family of origin can
incite things you’d rather forget. To be positive,
the situation presents an opportunity to learn more
about yourself, to be assertive and resolve resentments.
Therein you are tested and can develop confidence and
fortitude of self.
Parenting and Children
Children can become overstimulated by the hype and excitement
of Christmas. It can be wonderful to see children happy
and revelling in their beliefs about Santa Claus. But
parents can become all too aware of the lack of time
they have invested in their children’s behaviour
management. There is nothing worse than the child who
is ungrateful when they receive gifts from relatives,
or complain that they wanted something else. The parent,
accordingly, can feel a great sense of shame and ineptitude
about their parenting skills. Hurts can be triggered
and these, in turn, can lead to anger and resentment
toward the child and blaming of the other parent. You
may even feel self righteous and that you have permission
to punish them. You may raise your voice, give subtle
putdowns or the “silent treatment”. When
our anger subsides and conscience returns we can feel
remorseful. This feeds the ever growing hurt that started
the cycle in the first place. It is only when we break
the cycle of anger that we can start to heal the hurt.
We must first claim responsibility for our hurt. To
do this we need to forgive and have compassion for ourselves
and others. We can then shift into something more wise
and powerful, with joy and openness to the present moment.
Unresolved hurts predispose us to feeling disrespected,
powerless, inadequate, rejected or unloved. Each of
these can manifest in symptomatic behaviour - drinking
too much, acting defensively or even abusively. Here
is a technique to overcome hurt:
Exposing yourself to underlying hurtful emotions
works like a kind of inoculation1. Allow yourself to
feel the core hurt for several seconds: say to yourself
“I feel powerless” (for example) and allow
every fibre of your being to feel powerless, helpless
and ineffective. Each time you expose yourself to the
core hurt you must then draw upon your deeper sense
of love and courage, your Spirit within. Remind yourself
of all the good and courageous things you have done
and affirm to yourself: “I am a powerful, worthy
person. I have love and compassion for myself and for
others”. Over time you will start to feel a shift
in what drives your behaviour. Rather than projecting
hurts on to others, your action is sourced from an inner
sense of core value.
Flash bulb memories
Most people remember what they were doing when they
first heard about the terrorist attack on the World
Trade Centre. Traumatic events can leave memory scars
that create core hurts, and are relived whenever we
are reminded of them. Christmas can remind us of happy
times, but may also bring up painful memories. If we
haven’t had the capacity to heal the underlying
hurt, we can become cynical to protect us from feeling
vulnerable.
When I was five years old my older brother (two years
my senior) was killed in a tragic accident at our father’s
Christmas work function. Amid the toys and lollies,
Santa Clauses and merry-go-rounds, my brother was killed.
The funeral took place just before Christmas Day, and
my parents’ savings were eaten up by the multitude
of expenses. We were in a financial fix and I was given
a small blue teddy bear that Christmas. I was grateful
for it. The holiday was tragic and has never been the
same since. With lots of inner work, driving me toward
my current occupation as a counsellor, I have healed
my hurt and my self victimisation. Now, instead of Christmas
“bringing back tragic memories” it serves
as a strong reminder to appreciate the gift of being
able to continue living, without pretentiousness, with
those I love. People who have experienced loss will
understand this. Importantly, our suffering presents
a choice. Do we allow our spirit to become bruised and
battered or do we accept the lesson about what is really
important in life and thereby gain wisdom? It is a simple
choice - we need courage to make it.
1. Adapted from: Stosny, S. (1995) Treating Attachment
Abuse: A compassionate Approach. New York: Springer
Publishing Company
2. Chapman, G. D. (1992) The Five Love Languages: How
to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago:
Northfield Publishing.
Ben Bruce works as a counsellor for KinWay, the counselling
division of Anglicare-WA in Perth. |
